parentsHey everyone!
I'm submitting this article to Common Grounds magazine, after I tweak it a bit of course. Just want to know your thoughts.
Becoming my own Nurturing Parent
I don’t come from a rough family background. I wasn’t “mistreated” as a child. The majority of us are the same in this regard. Fortunately, most of us can’t complain (too much) about our childhoods and how we were raised and I certainly don’t mean to place the blame for my self-esteem issues on my parents’ shoulders. After all, they did the best they knew how to do and I wasn’t the easiest child to raise. You see, I’ve always been emotional and hyper-sensitive. Growing up, seldom would a day go by in which I didn’t cry about something and as I’m sure all you parents out there can attest to, sometimes you just don’t know what to do with a child who cries over just about everything...even spilled milk. I’m still very much that sensitive child. Although, of course as a twenty-something you aren’t allowed to simply burst into tears whenever you have the impulse to do so. Nor are you allowed to throw tantrums although all you may want to do in that very moment is stomp your feet as hard as you can and raise your voice in protest to what you feel is an injustice being forced upon you. You have to learn to cope with these emotions in a way that won’t get you shunned by the rest of society. Unfortunately most of the messages out there teach us to take medication if our tempers don’t stay even. We are literally being told to swallow our depression and anger or to placate our inner two-year-olds with vats of ice cream or copious amounts of other sugary comfort foods. Being an emotional-eater I will often engage in the latter...and then want nothing more than to punish myself severely for what I just put in my mouth, seeing as I’ve struggled for years with a poor body-image, thinking of myself as fat and unattractive.
Sound familiar?
We all have something we punish ourselves for. When our love relationships fall apart, when friendships die, when we gain 10 lbs, when we blow our entire paycheques on ourselves, when we make mistakes of any kind, etc...these things and more are all “punishable” offences. What good has punishing yourself ever done for you? I know that when I talk down to myself or tell myself negative things like, “no wonder he left you, look how fat you are”, or, “you’re so stupid, how could you let that happen?”, or, my personal favourite, “you know better than that! I’m so disappointed in you!” In learning how to become my own nurturing parent, I’m beginning to delete these tape recordings I find playing over and over again in my head. I’m starting to see myself and my inner two-year-old as my own child who needs to be loved and cared for. After all, I’m stuck with myself for life, so I might as well learn how to love myself unconditionally, right? Now when I fall down, I pick myself back up, dust myself off, tell myself that it’s ok, you’ll learn from your mistakes and do better next time...and move on. I’m even learning how to catch myself self-medicating (through food or other addictions) and lovingly remind myself that what I’m doing isn’t good for me and I should find a healthier way to deal with my emotional turmoil. There’s no yelling or screaming involved, just total love and acceptance that this is who I am and even the “bad” parts of me need love, care and above all, acceptance for what they are.
I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m certainly not saying that I don’t have moments where all I want to do is lock myself in my room and go to bed without dinner...but I’m getting better at it.
I challenge you, dear readers, to do the same. Try it out. See how it feels right now, in this moment, to tell yourself that you love you and that you will do everything you can to help you live a healthier, more fulfilling life for your own sake. A life that is built with you, your wants and your needs at the centre of it.
Try it. It does the body (and the soul) good. Promise! J
And is now, apparently, in my hair.
FANTASTIC.
Dear new-found gray hairs growing atop my head,
YOU DO REALIZE I'M ONLY 23 YEARS OLD, RIGHT?!
Fine. I re-colour my hair every 5 weeks or so anyways, so I guess it'll be ok.
Love always (because what other choice have I got?),
Katie
This song is so about me.
Except for the parts about driving ('cause I don't) and my name isn't "Mary Lou" (but maybe I should change it???).
I'm talking about when bad things happen to you. Well, to us.
How much of it do you think happens because we've put so much energy into worrying and thinking negatively?
Personally, yes I do think that a lot of problems could be avoided or at least changed if we re-frame our thinking. However, I also think that there are times when issues arise because life wants to challenge us to find the high road on our own. You're not always going to have a solution or positive thought handed to you. It takes a lot of training to get yourself to the point where you can turn every "bad" situation into a "positive" one.
This is something I've been working on a lot, especially over the past year.
It helps that I had a life coach for a couple of years. Honestly, I would recommend investing in this kind of service versus therapy (unless you feel strongly that that's what you need). Why? Because your coach isn't trained to prescribe medication that won't necessarily eliminate the problem(s) you're having. Quite often our issues with self-worth/esteem/image and our inability to see things in a more positive light is a result of developing habits of self-deprecation. And as we all know, habits are hard to break. A coach helps you with that.
There are two books I'd like to recommend to you on this subject of changing your thought patterns in order to address and work through your personal issues.
"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
"Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins
I'll leave you with that for now. Please feel free to reply with your own thoughts on the subject(s).
Third time's the charm?!
Nah.
I just really, really like attention. Scratch that. LOVE attention.
Actually, last night when I rejoined...I just wanted someone to talk dirrty to me.
HA!
Someone hit on me that was the same age as my dad.
...
......
This is what happens every time I rejoin Lava.
So why the hell am I such a glutton for punishment?!
Ahh, attention...why do I need you?
Actually, I have a theory that it's because I felt ignored by men for so long, so now I just lap it up. I find it gratifying in a way. It helps my self-esteem but destroys it at the same time. It perpetuates my need to hear other people tell me that I'm beautiful.
See what I meant by that last entry I posted yesterday?
Oy...
